Jan 8

January 8th 2014

I find it hard to believe 

that each of these little tips have been chosen

to fit all of "my" days

but amazingly so far they have come right when I needed them.

Last year,

I was advised by many of my friends,

that I take on too much, I never say no,

I put too much pressure on myself to deal with things 

that I really can leave for others to deal with.

Learn to Say No

Adding a New Year’s resolution to your already-packed ‘to-do’ list can be a useless exercise 

if you’re already exhausted and overextended. 

“Researchers have discovered that willpower is directly correlated with physical energy -- the more exhausted you are, the weaker your willpower is to deal with challenges”. 

You may need to stop doing a few things to make sure you devote enough time and energy to your resolution. 

Ask for help, delegate or cut what you can. 

“Practice setting some healthy boundaries to protect your most powerful resource - your energy! 

Your most valuable tool kit towards creating the life you want 

includes sleep, exercise, and learning how to say no”.

So, by choice I pulled back last fall.

It is actually kind of odd to realize, 

how often it was missed (or not missed),

that I had stopped being so involved,

that I was not always there.

I had spent a lot of time working hard to include everyone,

and worrying about other people's problems,

no matter what I was going through,

and yet some never even noticed.

This was a giant lesson in boundaries.

*I work well under pressure,

but Crohn's does not.

*I can push myself through exhaustion,

especially if I can feel empathy for the ones who suffer,

but I need to make sure I surround myself

with more people who feel the same way about me.

*I tend to overextend myself at any cost,

for those who are important to me,

but realized that not everyone I extended that love,

was willing to give it back the same way.

*My willpower is stronger than my illness,

the dedication to my friends and family even stronger!

Realizing that is just me... and not some of them,

put great strain on my heart.

*My physical energy does not matter,

when my family needs me.

I will be there day or night,

to hold their hand IF they only ask me.

*The challenges I face every day,

need to start being about making my life better,

and I need to learn to devote enough time and energy to me,

while still remembering to be there for others.

It seems so complicated,

but I love that I can spend more time,

dedicated to the things that are not only helpful to my health,

but also more appreciated by those 

who I now choose to have around me.

A TRUE STORY

My Dad has been sick now for almost 5 years. He had a massive stroke that was self inflicted by not listening to his doctor  and making decisions on his own without telling anyone. I spent every day of his recovery, at the hospital and the next 3 months in rehab, through rain and snow, day and night, 

being his cheering section, being his therapist, his nurse, his nutritionist, and being his whipping post when he had no where else to lash out. I fed him, excercised him, did brain retraining with him, and gave him the best care I knew how to, and as much time and love that I had. I was his driver, his companion, and his sounding board. I cheered the small wins and mourned the losses. I taught him things and argued with doctors and nurses. I forced him to be his best, by giving him my best. They chose to leave this area and move closer to my sister a couple years ago. I was told this was because my mother needed more help and they could give it to her. I felt betrayed. I was hurt and worried and frustrated. I knew the time it would take, and the dedication needed  to give my mother the help she wanted. Still, after they moved, I was barraged with requests and demands for help, which I surrendered with little or no allowance for what was going on in my life, or what I had to give up to help.  I was there for his cancer surgery in the spring.  He went through bowel reconstuction and receiving an ostomy. I remember how I hated that bag when I had it, I understood his pain. I was there to be the most positive person I could be. I needed to be the person he could say anything to, the person who would ensure that everything he wanted to do, happened in case the worst happened. Until he asked for this all to stop this past summer. I can accept a lot of things from people, but by choosing to brood in self pity, and choosing not to fight anymore, that is NOT something I can  sit idle by and watch anyone do.  He went through an ostomy reversal and being catheterized all fall without asking for me or asking for my help.Not once did he call to talk. Dad fell this past Sunday night, I found out on Monday afternoon. I have made most of the calls to see what is going on. He was finally brought up to surgery at 6:30pm this evening. I did not get a call that he was ok tonight because someone "forgot". I wish I could make them understand that no matter how much I want to be there, I cannot. Others who could have been there in my place, chose not to. For at least 2 more weeks I have to stay away, most certainly while he is in the hospital and this super flu bug is spreading. I have to at least give my immune system  a bit of a chance to protect me. BUT if I had been called because he needed me..... I would have sat there in mask and gown.

My illness, 

I am sure has not been easy to bear, 

for any of my friends and family.

I learnt many lessons 

on how a person who is ill wants to be treated,

and many lessons I wish I hadn't had to learn,

about self centeredness, conflict

and the cruelty words can inflict.

But,

my story is still being written. 

I hope I learn from the errors of others,

so I never have to be alone,

nor do they,

when it is most important

to have someone there who cares.

I will learn to 

create the life I want and include sleep, exercise, 

and learn how to just be able to say,

and mean it.

Anyone who knows me well knows that will be very hard.

Good night from John Street