December 4th 2020

December 9th 2014

Guilt and the holidays.

Guilt trips are a form of manipulation 

to make you feel bad, to transfer blame, or to make you do something you did not want to do,

such as spend a holiday with family, be the driver for a trip or go to a meeting. 

You cannot force someone to change his manipulative behavior. 

However, you can do something to prevent guilt trips from causing emotional stress. 

Handling guilt trips well also reduces their effectiveness, 

which may reduce others' attempts to submit you to guilt trips.

I have been accused of this kind of manipulation.
For me, any event, party or gathering
is not the same if the whole group of people able to come are not there!
Especially if they are able to come.
The whole group!
The loud, the shy, the irritating, the close and the far, the blunt, the happy,
the AMAZING 

women of LDO who make up most of my friends or my family.

When I repeatedly ask or post or request
it is not to be a bully or lay a guilt trip...
It is, in fact, 

that I just like to be surrounded by my friends

ALL my friends.

I am also easily guilted INTO doing things too.
Having spent so much time alone while ill 

(25 year survivor now!)

ALONE is not what I enjoy.
So, if asked and I have no plans
generally I will go.
Even if I can ill afford to spend money or give up the time,
even if I do not feel well - because tomorrow may be worse,
even if I do not enjoy the company of all who are going,

even if it is at the expense of my family.

But this Christmas I chose to try saying no.
To try not to judge others reasons for not attending.

To try to accept that the holidays are not a happy time for others,

even when I am trying to include them.

I found this online:

1

Reflect back the statements used by the guilt-tripper. 

If a mother tells her daughter that she doesn't love her as much as her siblings who visit regularly, 

the daughter could say to her: 

"Do you mean that I'm not a good daughter if I don't come to see you every day?" 

This directly challenges the accuracy of the guilt trip accusations 

and allows the guilt-tripper to hear how her words sound to others. 

If the person persists in her guilt trip, avoid argument. 

You have made your point and will not win an argument with someone who has an agenda.

This is especially poignant in my relationship with my mother. 

I always feel like she is not saying something or there is hidden meaning in what she is saying. 

I am no longer happy to hear the phone ring, as I am worried it is more bad news.
I realize now that most of that is just me, 

hating the fact that they moved closer to my sister.

Hating that although she is closer, I am still the perverbial dumping ground.

Wishing that I could visit more, 

but not being met half way.

2

State your opinion and recognize the other person's opinion. 

For example if a friend feels that you do not spend as much time with them 

as you should, you could say:
"I understand you feel that I should spend as much time with you 

I respect our friendship and want to remain friends, 

but I also have a family, other friends and commitments." 

You each have a right to your opinions.

I am obtuse when it comes to friends commitments.
On a day I know will be super busy,

and I have turned down other offers,

if a last minute idea comes up that only involves 1 hour,

I will grab it.

Caution for my health or hurting the feelings of others who have been turned down forgotten.

It is not that I did not want to do the other things.
They may have been longer events, 

or timed badly for the other bazillion things I was planning on doing.

Indeed, If I was a machine I would do everything and be everywhere.

But alas, sometimes I am just me.

3

Respond assertively to guilt trips that attempt to manipulate you into performing an action. 

If your parents ask you to spend Christmas Day with them, 

telling you that everyone else will be there, 

say to them: "Christmas Day is not going to work out for us, but we can come Christmas Eve." Planning ahead when you expect a guilt trip 

can help you have assertive responses ready and avoid feelings of guilt.

NOT the case this year.
SO MANY years since Grannie had the family celebrations have past,
and we have been left to ourselves on Christmas Eve,

that I did not even think about what we would lose if we agreed to go to dinner with family.

Instead of focusing on our loss,

maybe a new tradition will come from the change.

However, 

I will push that we are not family booked on christmas eve and christmas day

on any given year again.

4

Tell yourself that it is OK if people are upset with you sometimes. 

Say to yourself: "I cannot make everyone happy, s

o I will do what I think is best for the situation." 

Accept that your parents may feel disappointed, 

your friends may feel angry 

or your significant other may feel hurt 

when you do not give in to their manipulation.

I am loud and speak my mind when I feel the need.
My moto is to never say anything you do not want someone to hear.

Gossip happens. 

Sometimes on purpose.

Sometimes by accident. 

Sometimes something is said to prevent hurting the feelings of another.

In any case, the words you say will never be repeated

AS you said them, 

or in the spirit you meant them!

This has happened to me in the past few years a couple of times.
I was disappointed and hurt 

when friends or family thought I would hurt them so purposely

when they themselves were hurting.
I am more guarded with those people now.
It is not how I want to be,

but the pain from their opinions still hurts my heart.

Guilt is a terrible waste of emotions.
Guilt is something everyone experiences.

I will try harder in 2015

to be guilty only when it is truly my fault.
If I throw John's favourite mug on the floor because I am angry

that is my guilt to own.

If I fail to be someone's door matt

that is their guilt to bear,
no person deserves to be walked on by another.

Tonight's simple ides are brought to you by the number 8:

• Carry jumper cables. Just in case
• Order and pay for a pizza, tell the delivery person to just say it is from Santa
• Set aside 20 minutes each day to catch your breath. Have a tea and put your feet up
• If you take a trip during the holidays offer to trade seats so a family can sit together
• Let someone behind you in line at the grocery store go ahead of you
• Use poster board and markers to create a giant card for someone special
• If you are including children at a holiday open house,
  set up a separate area and enlist a high school student to keep them occupied
• Get the conversation at the dinner table started by saying
  "the craziest present I ever received" or "the Christmas I remember best"

Good night.