June 10th frig!

The test was nothing.

I was not nervous.

It was easy peasy.

The "jiggly liver" test...

the outcome - I have cirrhosis of the liver.

I was mad.

How can this be an even division

Of illnesses? How come always me?

Guilt over my weight was immediate.

I held back the tears

But could not hold back the colour

From draining in my face.

What did this mean? Surgery? Transplant?

Why did I come alone... again?

Then I took a very deep breath.

"It is hot and you are hungry."

So egg muffin to the rescue.

I drove to a curbside pick up

In a bit of a daze

To grab some new books for mom.

Told john and his reaction was:

"Do you hate me? I drink and smoke

And never get this stuff."

 Mom didn't know what to say but asked:

"Do you blame this one on dad? Or me? 

Hahaha"

      In fact I had not thought either.

I drove back to St Thomas.

My head was pounding.

I dropped off the books

And stopped by the car wash

On my way home to lay down

And take some migraine strength Advil.

When I woke up from my nap  

I am now thinking, 

It is just my cross to bear

And I get nothing I cannot handle. 

I am just going to work 

On what I can do to help. 

It cannot be repaired, 

But I can stop it from getting worse 

to some degree. 

The blame does not lie 

Totally in what I had done, 

I am not a drinker

I am on the right track with

All the cooking I do. 

Less takeout, healthier meals. 

As I have maintained the same weight 

for over 10 years, that's not the 

main contributor 

But definitely a thing to watch.

Excercise. This will be hard for me, 

I hate it. It bores me.

But I just mentioned this the other day 

before this all came up, 

So I guess pursuing it is next.

No alcohol. 

Never got a chance to be a big drinker, 

with the limits from the meds, 

so fairly easy. 

I am now a moc-tail kinda girl.

They feel from my checklist  

it is most likely due to the medications.

20 years of steroids

10 years of remicade

Those drugs kept me alive

And that doesn't come free.

Time to pay the piper.

Lol.

He said I was like a new car

that had been in an accident. 

Everything still worked 

And I could drive on the 401 

with no problem. 

But! 

One more incident could cause big problems.

I guess that is better 

Than being a total write off!!!!!

Just absorbing this...

Not a loss...

Reality of what i have to pay

For 9 years of better.

Deb